bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
