What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
should my penis look like a turkey
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
