You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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