sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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