In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
