Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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