There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
