I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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