i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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