Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize