You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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