So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
