I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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