i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
