the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
