I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
