Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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