Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My vagina just recognized that song.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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