Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
