but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
