You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
