We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
