everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
