just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
