so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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