My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
