nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
