and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
