It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
