i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
