my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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