Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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