if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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