Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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