Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
