he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
