I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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