I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
