if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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