I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
