he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
