Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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