The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
