Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
