i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
