I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
