I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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