been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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