I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How does one acquire holy water?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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