I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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