oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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