hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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