Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
