Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
