No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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