I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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