I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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