I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
